Thanksgiving Food Ranking


From green beans to mashed potatoes to the endless casseroles, Thanksgiving is full of food that either excites and delights or disappoints and causes dread. After the holiday, a list has been compiled rating each staple food. Meat products will not be included in the ranking.

At the top of the list are mashed potatoes They are the ideal food for the holiday and this is a fact that cannot be debated. They are perfect on their own, yes, but they pair nicely with any other food on the list, which is difficult to do with so many contrasting flavors. 

Cranberry sauce is a close second. This does not refer to the canned slop that takes the shape of a tin can but instead refers to the sauce that is lovingly made by a relative. Cranberry sauce is both tangy and sweet and the combination allows for a wonderful experience. Also, it is a fruit, and fruits are healthy. With Thanksgiving being a holiday full of gluttony, we need as many vitamins the world can offer us, even if the fruit is doused with sugar.

Next in line are green beans. Their flavor is superb but they’re much too chewy and stringy. After a while, the texture is similar to that of a tablecloth. Since dogs are the only ones that seem to like eating tablecloth, perhaps green beans would be their favorite food. However, dogs will eat just about anything and as such their supposed opinion plays no role in this ranking.

Sweet potatoes come next. While they are more flavorful than their mashed cousins, they are not a standout food. The sweet potatoes are the middle child of the Thanksgiving food family. They are neither too terrible nor are they too great. They are in the middle and do not make any effort to improve their ranking. Unfortunately, they are often ignored at the table and are only called upon when the rest of the family has consumed the rest of the leftovers.

Bread products roll in next. They are dense and while they may taste great with butter, they are simply not a grand Thanksgiving food. Their only purpose is to sop us any leftover gravy on plates. They are simply a sponge. 

Salad exists at Thanksgiving only to make one feel a small bit better about themself. Once one eats a serving of salad, they can tell themselves that they deserve a second slice of pie because they consumed a vegetable. Likewise, with cranberry sauce, salad provides one with vitamins. However, why eat anything as bland as a salad to get nutrition when there are sugar-soaked cranberries available. Salads may not be a standout dish but do serve the purpose of lifting self-confidence, which all can appreciate.

Once aforementioned, canned cranberry sauce is thrown towards the bottom of the Thanksgiving food totem pole. It is squishy and looks strange. It is not natural for the fruit to somehow become a gelatinous sludge of broken dreams and children’s tears therefore it is not to be trusted. The way it sticks to the can and refuses to leave suggests the idea that the “food” is sending out a warning not to consume it. It almost acts as though it is sentient, which causes more distrust and fear.

At the bottom of the ranking is stuffing. Even the name sounds rather nasty and the texture is completely off-putting. It is both too squishy and wet but is somehow still too heavy and dry. It can’t seem to decide which combination it will be and makes a pathetic attempt to do both. 

Regardless of my opinions on Thanksgiving food, I hope everyone at Livermore High School enjoyed their break. I hope you all ate of your favorite food, even if it happens to be stuffing or canned cranberry sauce.